The results are in! No one wins, you all lose.
soy un perdedor
so i recently returned from an extraordinary trip to israel, and since i couldn’t possibly put into words everything i saw and felt and experienced, i figured the easiest possible way to write about it would be to cull it down into an easily digested cultural face-off. in the spirit of the upcoming olympics i present to you: the israel vs. US holy smackdown.
ROUND 1: ICED COFFEE
many elements of this trip rocked my world, but none more that the israeli definition of iced coffee. every morning in new york i grab an iced coffee on my way to work which consists of: chilled coffee, ice, splash of milk, one sweet n’ low (growing a brain tumor, i’m aware.) but in the holy land it’s a whole different bag of beans. blended with what i presume to be whole milk, ice and a dash of crack cocaine, culminating in a delight normally reserved for birthdays and post-orchestra concert parties in middle school. the best version, hands down, was from this chain aroma…which i found out actually exists in ny and has helped ward off the crippling post-trip depression.
ROUND 2: URBAN PESTS
my fear of birds is well documented and my torment has followed me all over the world. chased by a swan in france. attacked by pigeons in venice. swarmed by seagulls in miami. so imagine how pleased i was to find that in israel instead of heinous dirty birds trolling the streets there were…heinous dirty cats. was there an imminent threat of rabies? indeed! but i’ll take a creepy feline over a rogue bird any day.
ROUND 3: OLD STUFF
i work across the street from the flatiron building, one of new york city’s most beautiful, historic and recognizable structures. it was built in 1902. in israeli years, that’s equivalent to approx 30 seconds. as this guy pointed out to us while in the city of tzfat, there are buildings in israel that have been around for two THOUSAND years. i’m not sure if you’re aware, but that’s a really long time. kind of makes you feel like a high school freshman that accidentally ended up at a college party.
three rounds to israel, eh? amazing what 10 incredible days in the middle east riding camels, scaling mountains, skirting borders and eating 15 lbs of hummus will do to even the most fervently new york girl.
he’s got a goofy laugh/
and a crooked smile.
he makes horrible jokes/
and his clothes are just vile.
he doesn’t know how to dance/
or gel his hair.
but i love him/
and i don’t care.
…absolutely no recollection of who this was written about, but he sounds like a dreamboat! wonder if he’s still single?
Trip by Vacationer. a nice little summery tune in honor of lady nature’s solstice (and music wednesday! that’s still a thing. i guess.)
That feeling you get when you’re spread out on the couch and the air conditioner is at the perfect temperature and you know it’s super hot outside and part of you thinks you should be out enjoying the nice day, but the other part of you knows that watching The Travel Channel all day is a way better use of your Sunday.
it is hot as balls out. next time you see me i will be a puddle a la alex mack. happy summer!!
i feel like i’ve been starting a lot of posts with some variation of “when i was in college…” or “when i was younger…” this makes me sound old and wistful and i don’t like that. but what can i say? there’s a cruel reality that sets in a few years after graduation that your years will never again be punctuated by spring breaks or final exam victory energy or a month off in the winter where you’re allowed to do absolutely nothing but meet up with your HS friends for froyo and pretend like you don’t secretly love being home.
that’s why i’m pretty freaking psyched to be heading off to israel next week on birthright. if you don’t know what birthright is, you’re probably not from long island (i feel like i’ve def used that line before..but it’s true.) basically, if you’re a young jewess like myself, you apply to be part of this 10-day trip to the holy land to learn about people and places and thangs and get really tan and skinny and ride camels and make friends and eat your weight in falafel and take pictures and create lasting memories. also it’s free! boom.
i feel very fortunate to be gainfully employed, but the cube-life can be monotonous. i’m excited to hit the open road (open desert?) and see a bit of world.
sometimes i think back to my habits and lifestyle in college and i want to throw up a little. i don’t mean the federal disaster area dorm room or deigning to drink malibu rum — more like, oh i don’t need to take off my make-up before i go to sleep. it’s totallllly fine. my pillow case will 100% not mind being assaulted by shards of mascara. or like, hmm i’ve worn these jeans five days in a row and i’m on my last pair of underwear…you know, the one’s from the back of the drawer which are generally reserved for one week out of the month..but hey, i can just take a quick jaunt to gap body and stock up on undies because, if i’m being honest, i needed a few new pairs anyway.
times have changed and i’ve realized there’s just a lot of annoying shit you need to do as a respectable adult.
- make your bed: i’m pretty messy. the armchair in my room functions more as a multi-pronged hanger as opposed to it’s originally stated purpose of “sitting and reading every night!” (LOLOLOL) but if there’s one thing i feel passionately about, it’s making my bed. okay, not PASSIONATE because that makes me sound like a sideshow who needlepoints for fun…let’s just say i think it’s a wise choice to make your bed each morning before you burst out into the world and do whatever it is you do. even if your room is a goddamn mess and your floor resembles the after effects of a particularly violent sample sale, a nicely made bed will give an outsider the impression that a barbarian does not herein reside.
- carry an umbrella: this is one i definitely need to work on, and it’s important in a city with weather as PMS-y as new york. one minute, the sun is shining and you and your gladiator sandals are pleased as punch and then - BAM! - oh shit, it’s raining, and i have nothing to cover my head but my iPad in a leather case. on almost any given day i’m carrying a bag that can easily accommodate an umbrella, and i’m sure you’re the same way. it is not charming to show up to happy hour looking like a rabid drowned rat. you’re mingling, not working on a feminism in film paper at 4AM in the library.
- have cash in your wallet: oh really sustainable farmer from vermont in the union square farmer’s market? you don’t have a credit card machine so i can pay you for these $7 cheese curds? we’ve obviously all been in this situation at some point, and when you think about it, it’s so silly. we all have access to cash (and if you don’t, you should probably resolve that sitch) and using our debit cards so much that they seek therapy is exactly the same as shelling out cash. monay is monay, my friends. it may be june, but i have a new-new year’s resolution- carry cash, and give my card a little R&R.
- billz, billz, billz: before i was responsible for paying my own bills, the whole idea was very overwhelming. i was like waaaait…if i don’t send a tiny rectangular piece of paper to some dude in some office once a month i’m going to be homeless? stressful!!! i’m going to join the circus! but after nearly two years of living on my own, it’s actually not that tricky. dude, if i can do it, so can you.
these are just a few of the annoying tasks that we as adults must be conscious of and the BEST PART is — they’re never, ever going away! the list will just keep on growing! weeeeee. so wash your face, drop off your dry cleaning, make your nine overdue doctor’s appointments, return that ugly dress before the 30 day window passes, call your mom, pick up your dry cleaning, clean out your disgusting fridge, and get used to it because, buddy…this is real.